Life's rich tapestry

"I suppose it's all part of the pattern of life's rich tapestry", I said to Mum, yesterday.
"Yes, but sometimes there's just TOO MUCH PATTERN", she said. "I wish the design was more minimalist."

She's right. Her hip replacement is next Tuesday. My mother in law had gynae surgery yesterday, and is still in hospital. One of our nephews was in hospital last Friday with suspected meningitis (but it wasn't, fortunately).

And my baby's dead.

I have been secretly suspecting this for a while, which is why I haven't blogged. The vaginal discharge I mentioned before didn't go away; it just gently, gradually became browner, then pinker. Still not much of it, still lots of benign possible causes. But the nausea went, too, and my breasts felt less - busy, I suppose you could say, more like they normally do. And, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, I stopped finding coffee repulsive. I didn't start downing gallons of it, or anything, but one cup of weakish decaff a day became a pleasure again. And with my previous pregnancies, coffee was vile poison to my tastebuds the whole way through.

So, I wasn't sure, but I wondered. And then I had the routine midwife appointment yesterday, and she wasn't sure either, but sent me for a scan at the Early Pregnancy Unit at the local hospital today. And I had a scan, and there was a 3" gestational sac with a little lifeless blob in it. Not even any arms or legs, poor little blob. Not even a head, come to think of it, not as such. They reckon it died at about 6 weeks. They were all very kind, pressing cups of tea and glasses of water and boxes of tissues on me while I sat and cried.

And so I have the choice of a D and C or a natural miscarriage. Because of Mum's op and it being half term next week, I don't think I can really let nature take its course, although that would be my natural preference: I can't afford the risk of wretchedly exsanguinating all over the bathroom floor while in sole charge of the children. It just wouldn't be fair on them. Apparently the chance of serious haemorrhage is only about 2%.... but if I have a D and C, the most likely complication is uterine perforation, with a risk, they tell me, of 3 in 1000. (but hey, even then a small hole is generally self limiting!) If you are going to have a dead baby sucked out of your uterus, mine is a great one to have, because it's a relatively big gestational sac and a relatively small embryo, so should be fairly easy to remove. And I think it's doing its best to slough itself off anyway, poor little thing. So, unless nature takes its course before tomorrow lunchtime, I'm off to hospital for the first general anaesthetic of my life.

Ick.

For stress relief, try a different stress

It's been a while since I posted: not a lot has changed. I've got a nuchal scan date: later than I hoped, at 13 weeks,so if it's bad news it'll mean lots of rushed, late, nasty decisions. But I seem to have done all the advance mental processing of that that I need to, and put it on a mental back shelf for now.
In physical symptom news, no big surprises: nausea well controlled by frequent snacks and (first thing) a slug of Innocent banana, pineapple and coconut smoothie. What an excellent invention. I've had intermittent changes in colour of discharge, so spent a looooong time googling this phenomenon, and finally found a blog of someone who'd had the same problem in week 9 and been told by her doctor that there was nothing to worry about unless it was red. Which it isn't. I notice with slight unease that this woman was expecting twins, which I absolutely hope I'm not, but I am sure this is not of any universal significance. Or almost sure, anyway.
I'm seeing the midwife for the first time next week, which will be good, especially if she can hear a heartbeat. Other than 2 very close friends, nobody in the school circle yet has any idea that I'm pregnant. I'm a slightly different shape with no clothes on, but fortunately don't have to turn up at the school gates naked, and when covered with my usual vaguely arty long skirts and jackets, there's nothing to notice.
But I only have a certain amount of time to gaze at my still inverted navel, because my parents are increasingly worrying me. My mother is scheduled for a total hip replacement in 11 days time. Her chance of a serious complication is roughly the same, perhaps a little more, than my chance of a severely abnormal baby. She's in good physical health, other than dreadful arthritis, but she's nearly 80, and you never know. Even more worryingly, my father, who has vascular dementia, is slowly slipping further and further into the land of little green men. When I see him, he's generally reasonably lucid, in a deaf, slow on the uptake sort of way. But he has moments when he's waaaay out in left field, arriving in Mum's bedroom at 3 am asking, "Why are all those people fishing in our pond?" or "Why are the people upstairs so noisy tonight?" when not only are there no people, pond or upstairs flats, but there NEVER HAVE BEEN in their entire 50+ years of marriage.I don't know how Mum copes as well as she does. When she's in hospital, I'm going to have to visit Dad and keep an eye on him, because he won't go into a home for the duration, and there will be no support from Social Services - apparently if you have any help from your family at all, that's all you're expected to need. We're all worried about him coping alone, but there are no other valid choices.
Oh well. At least, soon, this dreadful time of limbo, waiting for these various assorted landmark events, will be over, and I can get on with actually coping with the surgery, Dad, the scan, and so forth, rather than just worrying about them. Overall, it will be less stressful, unless something really dreadful happens, and even then it's unlikely to be something I haven't already faced in morbid fantasy, as some sort of grim psychological self-training regieme.
Next post after the midwife, probably.

Time is elastic

And at the moment, it's stretched right out and going very slooowly. Just under eight weeks; the nausea's still manageable: no actual vomiting yet, hooray. Otherwise all symptoms much the same. I had first appt with doctor in the week: she literally didn't lay a finger on me, and told me I was due on Christmas Day, which is a week later than the Internet says. But she is a really nice woman: we got on very well, and I'd be quite happy to see her again as necessary - if she stays around (long term locum, so let's hope it's long term enough). Hopefully, the request for the nuchal scan has gone in. Next encounter with medical profession: appointment with random midwife in 3 weeks time.
I've told a couple of close friends now - everyone is very pleased for me, and they all seem to think it's a Good Thing. For me, it still doesn't really seem real, mostly. This blog is deeply boring so far, I must say. It bores even me.