- I'll know for sure whether there's a live embryo on board, or not. 95%, I think not, but there is still that little flicker of hope that I can't quite give up on yet. My breasts are still tender, still no spotting at all, and coffee is still not all that appealing, but there is so very little nausea, and in other respects I feel so much the same as usual (not much increase in urination, no overwhelming fatigue, just the usual kind) that I really can't convince myself that things are as they should be. I would put a moderate sum of money on an exact repetition of last time, overall, I think.
So my main concern is how to deal with the end of all this, assuming it's about to end. Do I go for a D and C (yuck, yuck) or a home miscarriage (bloody yuck)? Do I tell Mum? the girls? Do I try to schedule it for sometime convenient (ish) or hope that everything works out for the best on its own?
Julia , who is currently on her 13th pregnancy with only one live child, and is at exactly the same stage as me with this pregnancy, having had her last miscarriage at the same time as I did, has been a great source of wisdom to me through all this. Not that I know her or anything, but her writing is enormously helpful, and the struggles she has been through make mine look like fleabites in comparison. She says, on her "Infertility Diaries" blog, linked from her personal blog, that her philosophy on this issue is to worry about reproductive crises conflicting with other life events when it happens, and otherwise to keep on arranging everyday life as if there were no crises to be fitted around. I can see that she is absolutely right about this. We had a very pleasant weekend, having friends round for dinner on the Saturday and seeing John's sister and her family on the Sunday, and I was able not to think about all this for - oh - hours at a time. And once all the practicalities are done, I think it will be easier for me to move on mentally than it was last year, both because I have been through it all before and because this time is the end of the path, closure on all the circular thoughts I have crawled endlessly around for the last year.
But today, with nothing much happening, and the definitive ultrasound creeping so slowly closer - today, it's hard. At least I'm cleaning the fridge.
