Apprehensive, not smug
I'm 41 years and 3 weeks old; and I'm 4 weeks pregnant (two weeks past conception). This wasn't exactly in the plan; it wasn't exactly an accident, either. We already have two daughters, who are 11 and 8, and I'd thought that I'd managed to nail down the lid on the desperate rattling of my biological clock. I've always wanted three children, always thought of the absence of the third as a gap; when I heard that JK Rowling (who's 12 weeks younger than I am) was pregnant with her third, I envied her more than I envied her her writing success (and I speak as an unpublished and apathetic intermittent wannabe writer.) But I'd resigned myself to two. And I fully realised how very, very lucky I am to have two healthy children. I've toured the round of the infertility blogs, which has given me some slight persepective on how smug and insufferable I may seem to be pregnant at all at the age of 41. If you are reading this and you have fertility problems, please accept my apologies for any offence caused, and perhaps stop reading - I don't want to annoy you further.
My husband didn't much want a third child, but was less opposed to it in the last few months than in the previous 7 years. And so, twice in the last three months, we've had unprotected sex at the right time in the cycle. 5% chance of conception per cycle, over the age of 40, right? I thought of the gamble as a sort of closure on the third child thing; I didn't really think I'd get pregnant, not with just a couple of possible chances.
But I did. Like an irresponsible teenager, I gambled and got caught. And now the third child is not a daydream, an escapist fantasy, but a very real and physical possibility. And part of me is delighted, and part is horrified that I've upset our cosy status quo with all the issues that go with pregnancy over 40; and part of me still doesn't really believe it. My period is only due today, and I've not done a preg test yet, but I know, know beyond all doubt, that I'm pregnant. And so I want to write about it, because, whatever happens, whether I have a miscarriage or a loss or a baby at the end of all this, I want to hold onto my memories of this.
And I do know how lucky I am to get pregnant so easily at my age. I really do.
My husband didn't much want a third child, but was less opposed to it in the last few months than in the previous 7 years. And so, twice in the last three months, we've had unprotected sex at the right time in the cycle. 5% chance of conception per cycle, over the age of 40, right? I thought of the gamble as a sort of closure on the third child thing; I didn't really think I'd get pregnant, not with just a couple of possible chances.
But I did. Like an irresponsible teenager, I gambled and got caught. And now the third child is not a daydream, an escapist fantasy, but a very real and physical possibility. And part of me is delighted, and part is horrified that I've upset our cosy status quo with all the issues that go with pregnancy over 40; and part of me still doesn't really believe it. My period is only due today, and I've not done a preg test yet, but I know, know beyond all doubt, that I'm pregnant. And so I want to write about it, because, whatever happens, whether I have a miscarriage or a loss or a baby at the end of all this, I want to hold onto my memories of this.
And I do know how lucky I am to get pregnant so easily at my age. I really do.
posted by Alison at
2:43 PM
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